“Excuse me, has anyone seen my mouse?” Damn, that’s not working.
“Help, there’s a tiger on the loose!” Unbelievable. Still no response. You’re all dead from the neck up.
“Fire! Fire!” Well, that’s flaming useless. My lighter’s not working.
“Does that bag belong to anyone?” Excellent, they’re getting twitchy.
“Make way for the bomb disposal unit.” OMG, I hate crowds.
Phew, they’ve gone. Now I can tell my behaviour therapist I made it through the shopping-centre without panicking.
“Oh, no. Help! Somebody, please. Take it away.”
(shaking my fist at the sky) “What manner of twisted deity creates spiders?”